Last Updated on March 18, 2026

For a lot of parents, concern around drinking shows up as a feeling you can’t quite name—a moment where you pause and think, Something here deserves a closer look, even if nothing is obviously wrong.

That moment is familiar to therapeutic consultant Joanna Lilley. Although she spends most of her time working with young adults, it’s usually parents who reach out first.

“They usually are coming to me when they have exhausted a lot of their local resources or their network,” she says. “And in addition to exhausting that network, they’re also just concerned about their child.”

In many cases, there isn’t a single incident driving that concern. There’s just instinct.

“I almost call it the parent intuition or the gut feeling,” Joanna says. “Don’t ignore it.”

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Why Parents Get Concerned

Some parents come to Joanna after consequences have already started to appear—academic trouble, legal issues, social fallout. Others reach out much earlier, when they’re simply unsure what they’re seeing.

“If you’re noticing their life being impacted academically or socially, don’t let that get bad,” she says. “If you see the writing on the wall, this could escalate quite quickly. I would sit on that immediately and do something about it, not wait.”

Just as often, though, parents aren’t reacting to a crisis. They’re trying to get oriented.

“They’re asking, ‘Do we need to be concerned? Is this normal? Do you see other clients like this?’” Joanna says. “They’re seeking information, validation, and direction.”

The Fear Underneath It All

It’s hard to talk about parenting without talking about fear. Not panic—but the steady awareness that you’re responsible for someone you love.

“We’re talking about this human that I created and I’m raising,” Joanna says. “I want to see them not just thrive, but survive.”

That concern often creates tension. Parents feel pulled between giving their child room to grow and stepping in before something goes wrong.

“And sometimes they’re overly anxious—and rightly so,” she explains. “They’re asking, ‘Should I let this play out, or should I do something now?’”

Why Starting Earlier Helps

Because Joanna works primarily with young adults over 18, she sees how quickly consequences can shift once legal adulthood enters the picture.

“If a young person does not know their limits and they go off to college and drink to the point of ending up hospitalized, parents have no way to contact them,” she says. “Even if they’re only there for twenty-four hours, it’s terrifying.”

That’s why she emphasizes earlier conversations—not as warnings, but as groundwork. “The earlier we can have the conversations to plant the seed that every moment is a choice, that we are making decisions, the better,” she says.

Those early conversations matter less for the words themselves and more for what they establish.

“Having the conversations now opens the door for future conversations where they don’t feel judged,” Joanna explains. “It gives them a safe space to say, ‘I’m concerned about something,’ or ‘I witnessed something,’ or ‘I was approached by a friend.’”

Being a Safe Place

Most parents want their kids to come to them when something feels off. What matters, Joanna says, is what happens when that actually occurs.

“The real proof in that trust and rapport is your consistency in how you show up,” she says. “If your reaction is wild or emotionally charged, that initial reaction is going to close the door.”

Even reactions rooted in care can land differently than intended.

“How you show up in those moments is really going to pave the path for their decision-making in the future,” she says.

Common Missteps

In Joanna’s work, two patterns tend to repeat.

The first is responding emotionally instead of intentionally.

“You need to pause,” she says. “Literally pause. Take a deep breath. Count to three if you need to. Respond, don’t react.”

The second is avoiding the topic entirely.

“No conversation means there is no opportunity for open communication,” Joanna explains. “It breeds secrecy.”

When that happens, kids still get answers, just not always from the best sources.

“If parents aren’t talking to their kids, they’re going online or asking their peers,” she says. “And they may not be getting accurate information.”

“That’s why we have to talk about it,” she adds. “Drinking, sex, all of it. We are supposed to be your safest space.”

Staying an Ally Without Giving Up the Parental Role

One of the hardest lines for parents to walk is staying connected without becoming a peer.

“They need to have a parent in their life,” Joanna says. “Somebody who has lived experience and can put the bumpers up in the bowling lane.”

She returns to the same image to explain it.

“I am going to be the bumpers for you,” she says. “You can roll a strike, but you need to stay in the lane.”

That kind of guidance doesn’t cancel out kindness.

“Kindness sometimes comes with direction and boundaries,” Joanna explains. “You can be kind and also not enable your child.”

Kindness Is Not Enabling

For Joanna, enabling has a specific meaning. “Enabling is doing something for somebody that they can do for themselves,” she says.

Kindness, on the other hand, shows up in tone and presence. “Kindness exists in how we show up,” she says. “It can also come with structure.” Sometimes that structure sounds firm without being harsh.

“I need you to listen to me in this moment,” she says. “You can hate me right now, but there is a reason I’m making this decision.”

That balance, she notes, creates safety rather than fear.

Joanna encourages parents to be careful about comparing their child’s experience to their own. “We’re talking about a different person and a different time,” she says. “Read the room.”

There are moments when sharing your story can help. There are also moments when curiosity does more work. “Is this normal? Is this experimentation? Or is this gasoline on a bonfire?” she asks.

If parents don’t feel confident starting these conversations, Joanna suggests beginning with support for themselves.

“Go to the experts and learn how to have these conversations,” she says. “You can control how you communicate and invite those conversations.”

She also reminds parents that they don’t have to navigate this alone. “Look at what exists in your community,” she says. “Education groups, counseling clinics, parent supports.”

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